Jul

2022

This is unlife.

So many words unspoken. I don’t really know what normal feels like anymore. Every day just feels like a struggle to make my brain feel “ok” instead of what all the chemicals make it feel like. I’m not even robotic, I’m something that I don’t know how to name. This doesn’t feel real anymore, and I just want a hard reboot.

It’s like I almost feel worried about feeling anything, especially to feel sad. What if I need to feel sad? What if by resisting to allow these emotions I’m just becoming worse and losing myself further? Feeling sad makes me feel more sadness, and I am scared to fall in a spiral like the last time. But what if? What if I actually need to spiral to the bottom to find my answers or to find a semblance of peace?

And then there’s my past. The one thing haunting me is always with me in fleeting moments hiding just in the background noise. It makes me feel like I’m in the wrong place and time, and that this timeline I’m on is not mine and I’m out of bounds and that’s why nothing feels “right”anymore. I broke my path and veered off course and everything since is a resonation of those mistakes. What if I was supposed to be someone else, somewhere else, if all my experiences aren’t building but simply…rolling off in excess, because it’s not meant for me?

What if, what if getting back that missing piece of my soul is what brings me to that place that can make me calm and still, and can make me settled again, and can fix my path?

Is she even the same person I knew, or will it even feel the same? Is she the answer, or is she a fabrication I’ve held to believe as why my life will never feel fulfilled?

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Mar

2020

it’s quiet

by flitzanu

I don’t think I realized how different it is to be alone and to not be alone. all this time off from recovery, I had company a few nights, and it’s something I never noticed about how everything seems safer with another person just being around, in the other room.

this sucks. I thought I was happy to be alone. maybe I’m not.

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Jan

2020

it is still creeping.

by flitzanu

i’m still having unpleasant thoughts. it baffles me that it has taken so long for everything to flood back, or maybe it’s everything that i’ve swallowed and hidden for so many years. i keep thinking about mortality, and being alone, and having no real legacy. should i have been married and had kids by now? it has been eating at me that there are no male children in my family. i’m not even sure why it is on my mind this late in life, but there is something very depressing about our family tree ending with no one continuing on.

maybe i need to find a surrogate. it’s really bothering me lately.

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Dec

2019

Everything feels broken.

by flitzanu

today was rough. i’m not entirely sure why, but everything ached in my soul. so many feelings from the past washed over me and broke me down. the past few days had started feeling painful, and for some reason today just left me feeling utterly sad and broken. i haven’t felt this bad in years, and hope that this ends soon.

holidays often hit me weirdly, and i never know exactly how it is going to go. i kept seeing flashes of the past, and thinking of all the times i didn’t actually feel alone, and just started sinking further and further. i’ve generally been okay being solo, but today, i just felt worthless and like i’d never feel like i had someone to share my life with again. that feeling of spending holidays at home with someone you love, sharing moments in the evenings, or smiles at building memories…they are just completely gone, and i hate it.

i feel like my life ended years ago, and even this alternate timeline path is just leading into nothing. it’s like the chance to have a normal life was left to one single choice, and when that path was broken, it will never open again. that can’t be true though, we don’t have one simple path in life, and surely we have multiple endings, right? every day just feels more and more like my life stopped, and now everything is just moving around me.

and i’m supposed to just let everything go.

this isn’t about letting things go. this is about never being able to forget, and never being able to clear my mind. no one wants to be forced to remember every single bad moment. it’s funny sometimes, that i’m the one that is supposed to be so cold and distant, when it’s really that i’m stuck feeling every single thing all at once, and all the time.

i can’t wait for this holiday to end, and i hope this feeling goes away soon. i don’t think i can handle this if it doesn’t. i don’t want to feel like my heart is constantly broken.

posted in iniquity, sh | No Comments

Nov

2019

I always need to write more.

by flitzanu

I say it all the time, but I really need to post more. I think I have too many thoughts that run out of control in my brain.

posted in iniquity | No Comments

Mar

2019

I’ve found a new place

by flitzanu

suddenly this has become a new nightmare. I lose track of time and even space, and have had trouble finding my way back. given the chance, all I do is sleep, and in that sleep, I can’t wake up. I mean literally that I can’t wake up. I feel trapped in places that I don’t recognize, and as I struggle, my body won’t respond.

in the bodies I find myself in those spaces, I can’t speak properly or move properly. it’s like I’m shambling and drunk, losing balance and mumbling words, and recently seemed to be speaking new languages. the recent one wasn’t even speaking, but singing or chanting in words I don’t know. the others in the dream were watching me as I struggled, even laughing, believing me to be, as stated, possibly drunk. I would stumble and fall, and approach a passed out state. in this state, I even started dreaming, but not dreaming as I know.

these dreams were strong and unusual, I saw visions of colors… skies burning… stars falling… geometric shapes converging across the cosmos. I couldn’t begin to interpret what any of it means, but I can start trying. noises were powerful, colors were intense, and everything was moving without evidence of time passing or motion around me. I felt as though I was there, and also not there.

everytime I woke up, my mind wanted to go back, and my body could not fight it. I don’t know what this is, I’ve never had this before, but it is starting to affect my free time. my body is awake, but my brain won’t follow. some days I barely stay conscious and just move like an automaton, repeating patterns I know and behaving how I’m supposed to.

and then the other dream. I’ve become way too invested in the blind spots. the blank spaces move my dreams instead of what the real world tells me. I find myself with her, laughing and smiling, fondly staring at each other, until our lips cautiously meet and the world stops moving. time slows down as we embrace, looking gently in each other’s eyes, our lips dancing hesitantly and shyly touching momentarily at first, and then more intently as our hearts race faster.

we were by a window, moonlight shining palely against her shoulders, hair draped gingerly across hidden areas not explored. her skin presses against mine as we move closer, and my breath is taken away as my eyes painfully lose focus while I’m pulled back to consciousness. she could be under my skin, and I’m falling hard, just like I always do, into something that painfully is not approachable or realistic. I’ve got to pull away from this before I get lost.

but oh how delicate all of it could be, and fighting my own persistence is so difficult. this reminds me so much of that blind time I chased another so untouchable. I feel like that is a moment I keep chasing and haven’t caught. maybe this is the time I can repeat history.

or maybe everything will burn around me as always.

posted in dreams, sh | No Comments

Dec

2018

ghosts of christmas.

by flitzanu

the past several nights have been full of dreams. i’ve dreamt of my ghosts…ghosts from the past, present, and future.

i saw the lion, and that was painful. everything felt current, and felt real, and i still have trouble sorting that one out. it was like everything started again exactly where it left off, with none of the potential issues, and it felt like life was continuing the way it should. or, maybe it was a ghost of what would have been. i don’t know. i don’t even remember her voice anymore. i don’t even know if i want to remember. i miss the sense of familiarity and everything we built together. i can only try to appreciate ever finding someone so significant to have such a (possibly mutual) impact on these short human lives. maybe this wasn’t the right life or the right time this go ’round.

i saw the hateful one. for that, i always wake up so confused, but never spiteful. i shouldn’t even care, and i shouldn’t feel a thing, but even after so much, some terrible part of me finds beauty in the dream, and everything feels amazing in the moment. it’s only when i wake up that i remember.

i saw the more recent one, the one so confused. i find the friendship cathartic and meaningful, and value what still remains, but i just don’t know how it is meant to play out. i think things happened they way they needed to, but i wish things didn’t feel so unresolved.

and what of the future? i believe i glimpsed that one too, the one i can’t quite wrap my head around. i’ve felt an anxiety and excitement and nervousness that i haven’t felt in quite a long time, and it makes me afraid. i had a moment recently that i realized i WANT someone to understand, and i WANT to try to show them what i am and what makes me what i am, and i realized there are lyrics that spell it out. that split second where everything felt distant and slowed down, hers was the face that i saw, and this compelling urge that she is the one i want to show. that moment scared me.

these are the times i have to choke down, because my downfall is making these things obvious too soon and too early. this doesn’t seem to be the right time. i had a moment that i ignored that i keep replaying in my head, and it’s unfortunate that i didn’t do what felt right. in one of the outcomes, things were dangerous, and it caused me to pause. i didn’t need to create or influence that outcome, even though it could have been the moment that changed everything.

so now we keep playing, and we keep smiling, and we keep enjoying the tiny moments that we create that cause each other to smile so coyly to ourselves. my smiles may be different, though i must remember that having these moments for myself is still better than never having them at all.

posted in dreams, iniquity, sh | No Comments

Dec

2018